Sunday, November 27, 2005
beneath
this cursor is killing me..
it's always blinking.. i have already typed something and still it blinks. taunting. mocking. "is that all you've got?" it seems to say. whatever i write will always be lacking.. there's still so much more left unsaid.. as if it knows better..
maybe it does.
having my life and thoughts accessible to anybody who'll care to bother is not as liberating as it seemed at first.. even when i have grown to believe that what other people think shouldn't really matter, i find myself, most of the time, "caring" how some of them will think and feel about what i say and write.. i hate the thought that i'm turning out to be one of those prissy people-pleasers, but making people upset and disappointing them - i dislike that more. tsk.
emotions do this all the time. you think about what you'll do twice, at least, before actually doing them.. run the consequences through your mind over and over.. juggle your thoughts for the infinite possibilities and probabilities.. try to predict your own future even.. just so you come up with the best decision you can and hope for the best that you don't end up hurting anybody.. even if you come out of whatever mess you got yourself in in the most unspectacular way..
broken. torn. shattered. hollow. putting the pieces together with a smile, a laugh, a giggle and a flip of the hair deserves some sort of award, i think..
how do you tell a cursor to just shut up?
thought overload @ 3:40 PM |
Friday, November 25, 2005
the big (and sad) picture
i cried myself to sleep last nyt. a sudden wave of so much sadness just hit me.. a hangover of some sort from the entry below.. tsk.
i was inlove, very much so.. i loved the best way i knew how, i gave it everything that i could.. i loved him. i knew that. he knew that. everyone did.
but did he really love me?
it is so easy to feel that you're being loved back.. especially when you're all starry-eyed and floating in the clouds with every happy moment you share.. how can he not feel the same way when you're feeling so much, right? you don't think he can be so cruel as to let you build your dreams around him when he knows he won't be able to make them come true.. he cares about you.. he tells you he loves you.. it never crosses your mind that he doesn't love you THAT much. the idea of him leaving is absurd. impossible. crazy.
but he leaves, and your heart breaks, then it heals.. and you see everything the way your friends saw it.. at first, it makes you upset - how could you have let anyone do that to you?! and then you laugh at the irony of it all cos there's nothing else you can do about it, anyway.. and then you just feel sad, as you stare at the ceiling of your room at 3am.
how is it possible that you give someone so much of yourself, and still be not good enough for him to keep you?
and then you start doubting all other relationships you have and have had.. why is he here? what's he doing with me? where is this going? when will he leave? will he stay? why would he?
but then you already know the answers to your questions.. you're smart like that. you already know that everything will depend on you and what you do.. and that is not a comforting thought at all.
********
post-menstrual syndrome.. running out of estrogen does this to the mind.
thought overload @ 4:16 PM |
Thursday, November 24, 2005
my ex
i don't think i have ever talked about AK as an "ex".. when i do tell other people about our story, i always end up talking about someone i had a relationship with, still has a sort of relationship with, and may have a more special kind of relationship with someday.. the term "ex" is too final.. everyone knows i'm not too good at ending stuff.
and besides, i never had a reason to get AK out of my life.. he is, from time to time, a happy thought.. and he has been like one of my favorite books - i may have already read it, but when i read it again, i found out that i have missed some details the first time.. and when i read it again after that, i realize that there is still so much more to be understood..
it took years for me to understand him enough to finally let it all go.. it's not like we're still "together", ok? it's just that he's still a significant part of my life, but keeping him, now that i see him and our relationship for what it really is, will not be "good" for me anymore..
it's over.
(i can already imagine my friends doing cartwheels and hear gracelle cheering. tsk.)
it is sad, losing a friend this way.. i can't believe that it turned out to be that "lovers can't be friends" cliche.. oh gahd, i'm rhyming.
anyway, when i see him again, it will be SO weird.. he's gonna be, like, a manifestation of memories.. i wonder if that's the way "ex relationships" really work..
AK, my ex. surprise. a bit of sadness. a little happiness. excitement. relief. breathing's a lot easier now.
********
typical as it may seem, i wish him happiness - and i really, really, REALLY mean it...
i wish he'll return the CD he borrowed too...
thought overload @ 10:16 PM |
Friday, November 04, 2005
dreams
i dream of being queen of the world, someone's own little world, at least.. where i am celebrated for whatever good is in me, and protected from all the bad things i can cause myself and others.. where i know everything, so i can choose to do nothing.. where i can be feared and loved at the same time.. where my weaknesses are lovely, and my strengths recognized.. where i will never run out of affirmations.. where i have absolutely nothing to worry about.. and where i am good enough, almost perfect even..
i dream of backyards and balconies.. of bedtime stories and picnics.. of morning afters and hour-long baths.. of getting drunk and throwing up.. of eating too much and still throwing up.. of holding hands and never ending hugs.. of night lights and goodnight kisses.. of growing old together..
i dream of love.
********
if i can only spend more time in dreams than in reality.. *sigh* and maybe never wake up.
Sleeping Beauty is one lucky bitch. 100 years of dreams.. and when she woke up, there he was, Prince Charming. tsk.
thought overload @ 3:33 PM |
losing it.
i have always believed that i can do everything i want, whenever i want, in whatever way i want to do it.. and from experience, nothing can get between me and what i desire.. well, not without me throwing a fit, that is..
so it should be perfectly understandable that i feel fucked up right now.. nothing much really changed, you see.. but for some fucking reason, i find myself - i hate this word - helpless. and oh so confused.
maybe the gods enjoy watching me go through shit.. they gave me my very own reality show.. i just wish they'd let me know what the hell i'm playing for.. tsk.
********
why make something so "good" and just push it to its limits?
and what, exactly, are my limits? tsk.
thought overload @ 3:18 PM |
