Wednesday, June 28, 2006
my eyes still look like hell. but he's already texting "normally". it's scary. the last few fights that we had didn't "simmer down" this fast. i'm not sure if i should feel happy or wary.
sigh.
i'm having those big headaches again. i haven't had them for months. i can't wait for saturday. i want to be far away. 45 minutes from manila, i know, doesn't seem to be THAT far away. but it's far away enough. the ocean does wondrous things. especially if it's somewhere i haven't been to yet.
superman returns. it will have to wait. i am so tempted to watch it by myself or with someone else but i have decided not to. i will watch it with japo. i don't know when. sigh.
"in a world of infinite options, sometimes there's no better feeling than knowing you only have one. ~ Carrie Bradshaw."
this shift is allowing me so much free time. i'm writing again. happy thought.
thought overload @ 6:46 PM |
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
i cried my heart out this morning. it feels terrible. i sat by the window looking out to the city and looking down on vehicles passing through buendia. there must have been thousands of people out there, all oblivious of my pain. there should be someone somewhere feeling worse, i thought. or maybe not.
the sky was beautiful. cloud formations. one looked like a person with arms wide open. like it's offering me a hug. i was 10 stories above buendia. glass separated me from that hug. from that drop.
i want to get hit by a car. something small. something that will not do too much damage. but i want to get hurt enough for me to have to be checked in the hospital. if only heartaches have physiological effects, i'll be in intensive care right now.
my love for him is dangerous. for me and the people around me. it's not very comforting that i know i'll break first before i stop fighting for how i feel about him.
how much is he willing to give for how he feels about me, i wonder. but then i know that the answer isn't important. i already love him too much that my love can cover for both of us. he can feel nothing for me right now and i will still give him everything that i have. i will shed tears for the pain i feel and that which i cause him and i will never even consider giving up.
i will cry and plead and fight for him to stay with me. i still cannot think of any reason for me not to.
gracelle and i are going to bataan for the weekend. *sigh*
***
ok, again, gracelle and i stayed home saturday. =) dancing friday night was fun enough. bataan will have to wait for another "occassion"... =p
thought overload @ 6:42 PM |
Monday, June 26, 2006
what's up: not much. everything's so routine lately, now that i think about it. not that i'm complaining. eat, sleep, get ready for work, eat, work, eat, sleep, text or call japo in between all of that. on weekends, it's go to laguna, japo, sleep, home, sleep, japo, go back to makati. it has been that way since june started. since Law school started. before that, japo stayed here in makati. we went out, watched movies, spent time with abrie, et cetera.
now, it's - boring. and no, i am rarely in the mood to go out with girlfriends, nor go out for friendly dates. it's like i'm too tired. i do not enjoy beer in makati. the only thing that's fun is getting to watch the latest movies with less hassle than when i was in elbi, and i do not even want to do that most of the time because i only want to watch the good movies with japo. the mall is a 5-minute ride away from my office, 10 minutes from the condo and i do not even want to go there to windowshop or whatever.
what's happening to me?
anyway, earlier, around midnight, hanging out at starbucks with gracelle and carlo, feeling down because i will not be seeing japo for 10 days (*sigh*) and not having enough rest this past weekend that caused a rather unpleasant time with the love of my life, thus the start of depressing thoughts such as if-i-die-in-the-next-ten-days-the-last-time-i-saw-him-he-was-upset-with-me thoughts, i tried to escape from all that negativity with a slice of oreo cheesecake and a glass of doubleshot espresso. the sugar and caffeine fix helped wake my senses but the "depression" is still there somewhere.
i need time off.
fortunately (or unfortunately), gracelle needs time off too. an out-of-town trip sounded perfect. the ocean sounded perfect. going to bataan this weekend is perfect. so there it is - bataan. this weekend. with gracelle. it's like the bestfriend meeting the family. haha.
gimik with amber this friday night. i hope it's fun. but i just know going to bataan will be funner. i so want to go to bataan. hang out by the sea. hear the waves. that will be so peaceful. can't wait.
grace, if you're reading this - i want to go, ok? i want i want i want. we need it. i need it. and you're probly thinking that you need it too. so there. we're going.
(*lunchbreak*)
and then there it is. txt messages from the love of my life. him being upset. i was crying in a bathroom stall downstairs where i can bring my celfon to txt him back apologies and pleas and more apologies while i cry my eyes out.
4 hours to go. i just want to go home and cry. i want to go to the nearest beach and feel the waves on my feet. i want to go to a mountaintop and just lay there, maybe cry some more. i want to see the stars. lots and lots of stars.
i just want to wake up and see him smile.
i want to see him smile before i sleep.
thought overload @ 6:13 PM |
