Friday, November 25, 2005
the big (and sad) picture
i cried myself to sleep last nyt. a sudden wave of so much sadness just hit me.. a hangover of some sort from the entry below.. tsk.
i was inlove, very much so.. i loved the best way i knew how, i gave it everything that i could.. i loved him. i knew that. he knew that. everyone did.
but did he really love me?
it is so easy to feel that you're being loved back.. especially when you're all starry-eyed and floating in the clouds with every happy moment you share.. how can he not feel the same way when you're feeling so much, right? you don't think he can be so cruel as to let you build your dreams around him when he knows he won't be able to make them come true.. he cares about you.. he tells you he loves you.. it never crosses your mind that he doesn't love you THAT much. the idea of him leaving is absurd. impossible. crazy.
but he leaves, and your heart breaks, then it heals.. and you see everything the way your friends saw it.. at first, it makes you upset - how could you have let anyone do that to you?! and then you laugh at the irony of it all cos there's nothing else you can do about it, anyway.. and then you just feel sad, as you stare at the ceiling of your room at 3am.
how is it possible that you give someone so much of yourself, and still be not good enough for him to keep you?
and then you start doubting all other relationships you have and have had.. why is he here? what's he doing with me? where is this going? when will he leave? will he stay? why would he?
but then you already know the answers to your questions.. you're smart like that. you already know that everything will depend on you and what you do.. and that is not a comforting thought at all.
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post-menstrual syndrome.. running out of estrogen does this to the mind.
thought overload @ 4:16 PM |
